Why did you masturbate the first time

When porn becomes a drug

Hello Maik, thank you for your trust. Can you still remember when and how you first came into contact with pornography?
I was 15 or 16 years old when I first came into contact with pornographic images. The photos were on a CD that I got from friends at school. I haven't yet been able to properly classify what I've seen, but I know very well that I found it all very exciting. Then I started looking for such pictures on the Internet and masturbating to them. But it only got extreme with the streaming portals and their free porn films.

How did you find out that something is "no longer normal"?
At first I didn't really want to admit it to myself, but about two to three years ago I noticed for the first time how much time I actually spend with porn. Sometimes three to four hours a day. I then decided to reduce my consumption, but quickly realized that it is not that easy.

Am i addicted to porn?

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When did you realize you needed help?
Just last year. I was in a great relationship and still felt less and less inclined to sleep with my partner. I would rather watch porn than have "real" sex. At some point I looked for pornography myself at work and secretly masturbated to it. From that point on it was clear: I definitely have to stop now. I had to admit to myself that I am an addict.

Do you think there was some kind of trigger for your porn addiction?
No. Rather, it was a combination of several factors. For one thing, for example, I was single for a long time, so porn shaped my sexuality at the beginning of my growing up. On the other hand, I simply consumed more and more and slowly increased my tolerance for porn as a result.

Looking back, can you sketch a typical porn session?
I was full of anticipation, my pulse was racing, I also began to tremble at times. I drew the curtains, sat down in front of the computer and then looked for the perfect video. It could take hours to decide on a video that I wanted to have an orgasm with. And then it went on. Until you can actually no longer physically. But the urge is too great, and many addicts almost begin to abuse themselves. Because they try to climax up to 20 times in a row. The more blatant the addiction progressed, the more difficult it became for me to find satisfying porn. I always needed bigger stimuli. So-called super stimuli.

What can you imagine under super stimuli?
Many are becoming more and more extreme in their preferences and then need pornography with violence, gang bangs or even other orientation because normal scenes have become boring. For me, I've been looking for ever thinner women. As a result, my image of women has also changed dramatically. At some point, through porn, I was only able to perceive women as objects. My expectations in my head were suddenly so high that no normal person could keep up, not even my partner.

How does the addiction affect you and your sexuality?
Porn addiction is a vicious circle. It makes you lonely and by being alone you consume even more pornography. This reduces the chances of dealing with actual sexuality to almost zero. Personally, I grew up believing that sexuality is what you see in porn and have completely conditioned my lust for it. Now I'm trying to separate the two and redefine sex for myself.

At what point are you today?
I have currently been abstinent for 14 days. But before that I managed not to watch any porn for about two months. When I relapse, orgasm is linked to extremely bad feelings. This is a big difference from before. Now that I know that I am an addict, I feel like a loser after masturbating. But since I am relatively strong-willed, I try to work through my addiction further and analyze trigger points. But there are also those affected who develop depression and suicidal thoughts.

What is your advice to young people when dealing with pornography?
The most important thing in my opinion is: self-reflection. Young people should always ask themselves why they are actually watching porn and what the consequences are. Even with normal pornography consumption, a tolerance for an image of women can arise, which damages the current partnership. In addition, they should ask themselves: What does the porn industry actually mean for the performers? If you are concerned with something, you might think completely differently about the topic.

Does porn consumption also have positive sides?
I think that there can be positive sides to porn consumption too. After all, not all porn is the same. Nowadays, for example, there is feminist porn that can help educate young people or provide good inspiration for sexuality in partnership. For me, as an addict, this porn is also dangerous because there is a risk that I will relapse.

What do you wish for the future?
I want to define myself and my sexuality independently of pornography. And I very much wish that at some point I can leave my addiction behind so that I am able to have a happy relationship.

* Name changed by the editor

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