How to stimulate a clitoris

Orgasm only through clitoral stimulation

Question: I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. We only see each other on weekends and I try to accommodate a certain amount of sex life in this limited time. My friend told me that she had had few orgasms before me and none that were particularly intense.

But: I, too, can only bring her to orgasm by stimulating the clitoris with my fingers. My partner's orgasm is very important to me, actually more important than my own. However, I would like to bring her to climax without "handling", only with normal sexual intercourse. So there would also be a greater chance of experiencing a common climax.

Is the common climax a rarity? I suspect that her clitoris is too far away from the vaginal entrance and that it is not stimulated during sex. Since my friend knows how important her orgasm is to me, and I constantly try to stimulate her in the same way, she may also be under a certain pressure to perform. We also have more fights about our sex life, because I have a slightly bigger desire in this relationship than she does.

answer: There are many possible causes for orgasm disorders in women. It is already an advantage that an orgasm is achieved at least through masturbation - whether performed by you or by the partner herself.

The following information comes from the book "Sexualmedizin" by Klaus M. Beier: It is relatively common that women need additional stimulation of the clitoris in order to reach orgasm. (Note: This can certainly be done in the rider position, here there would also be the possibility of a joint orgasm.)

The ability to orgasm in women usually only develops with increasing age. Young women are more likely to have impairments in their ability to climax. This has something to do with learning, among other things. You only learn how to best be stimulated. It is a process. Once the woman has found out for herself how it works best, she no longer unlearns it. It is normal for women out there who want or need clitoral stimulation.

++ More on the topic: 8 surprising facts about the clitoris ++

Other influences, such as a lack of (sexual) communication, traumatic experiences or disturbances in the development of pleasure, can lead to the acquired inhibited orgasm. For women, the neurological way in which orgasm occurs, whether through coitus or through manual clitoral stimulation, is the same.

Psychological causes mean that the coital orgasm is often perceived as more exhilarating. The greater emphasis on coital orgasm and the inability to achieve it without additional stimulation can trigger a feeling of sexual incompetence in women or a feeling of helplessness in the male partner because he feels insecure about his masculinity. In addition, the thought of the desired simultaneous orgasm often leads to further stress or to women feeling compelled to fake an orgasm.

Basically, you shouldn't just look at the orgasm alone and define a fulfilled sex life through it. Intimate contact, affection and tenderness are often more important. In addition, there is no norm sexuality, but always a partnership in which both should respond to each other and find a satisfactory sexuality for each other. For a woman, it should primarily be important whether she feels satisfied, and not whether she corresponds to the expectations of the partner.

An overview of the psychological or couple-related causes that can lead to an inhibited orgasm in women:

1. Fear, possibly overlaid with disgust, feelings of guilt, anger
2. Disturbances in the intimate relationship with the result z. B. fear of closeness or fear of self-loss
3. Problems with parents, unresolved conflicts in childhood
4. Fear of losing control
5. Lack of information
6. Physical factors

Whether such factors come into play can be assessed in a conversation with a psychologist trained in sex therapy.

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Dr. Britta B├╝rger, specialist in gynecology and obstetrics

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